Things have gone sour between me & N. She can't get past her boostrapism, and tonight she actually said, not five minutes apart, that she both feels sorry for me because I won't get help (1. stick your pity up your arse, and; 2. you don't know what I'm doing to manage my condition so stfu), and that she would happily trade places with me and live my life of leisure if she could (you're welcome to it, but I doubt you'd be able to cope). But she keeps telling me that it's up to me, that I can just will myself to not be sick any more and it will be so.

I wanted to break her fucking leg and tell her that fixing it is all just a matter of willpower.

And now I don't have my safe house, because she's stated outright that she won't tell me if she has a problem with me, and she'll talk to other people about it but not me, because "that's how the real world works". She called me unstable because I flipped out about her doing that, and refuses to accept that there is a direct, simple cause-and-effect logic in play here. You talk about me behind my back, even saying nice things about how great I am, and I lose my shit. A times B times C equals X, every fucking time. She says it's not polite to talk to me about her concerns. Fuck polite. I don't give a wet fart about polite. Polite, actually, is not doing something that you have been told, and have seen demonstrated, is going to trigger the worst, most violent, most dangerous to self and others facets of my illness, BITCH.

She's being stubborn and thick, and she refuses to compromise. With that, I find myself sharing a house with someone I am wholly incapable of trusting even a little bit. This is going to end badly.

See, I have this thing, where so much of what has made me sick is betrayal, that I can be sitting in a room filled with nothing but my closest friends, and start to feel doubt that any of them actually like me. It's not as bad as it used to be, but it still happens. For years I tried to overcome it, stupidly, by cultivating vulnerabilities to hand to people as a show of trust, only to have those vulnerabilities inevitably exploited because I put them in the hands of the undeserving. Because I thought that trust was something you had to demonstrate, absent demonstrations of trustworthiness by the other parties.

Now, there is no middle ground. No benefit of the doubt. Forthrightness is, to me, a matter of integrity, honesty, honour, and not triggering one of the most intense manifestations of my illness. If you can't be forthright with me I assume that you are of the same breed of scum as all the "friends" who have harmed me, and you intend to backstab me, betray me, and possibly assault me. I would like there to be a middle ground, because intellectually and logically I find it reprehensible to treat "dislikes confrontation" as "will assault you", but by the same token I don't think it's unfair of me to demand a little forthrightness when deceit and intrigue have ruined my entire adult life, and with it my ability to distinguish between "dislikes confrontation" and "will assault you".

And here's the thing. I'm not just being passive-aggressive and writing in my LJ instead of explaining this to her. I DID explain it to her. She completely stonewalled me. It's like she's made up her mind and no amount of information can reach her, which means there is no way to reach a truce.

Going to end badly. Very, very badly.